LA Clippers: Prepare for Ballmer Time

Reports are that in preparation for taking over ownership of the Los Angeles Clippers that Steve Ballmer has upped his number of public speaking appearances in order to train to be on the roster!

Sources close to Mr Ballmer say that there is no way he was putting up 2 billion dollars for the team if it wasn't for the singular goal of being a pro athlete.  "There's no way that (Steve Ballmer) could do this in any other pro sport.  But he wan't to be the last member of his bench.  He wants to come in if the team is being blown out to shoot three pointers, and be the guy who intentionally fouls late in games to avoid the other players being in foul trouble for a potential overtime."

Here is a sample of Mr, Ballmer's training methods...

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NFL: Maddening

The NFL has been on a mission to suck all of the fun out of the game.  This offseason the target was the post touchdown celebrations.  The league has added more offenses that could result in an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty.   A leak from inside the video game company that produces the annual Madden title says that there may be more changes ahead.

The source says, "The NFL offices have contacted us with some amendments that they would like to add to the upcoming titles.  They would love to utilize the camera systems that come with the PS4 and Xbox One systems to call unsportsmanlike conduct penalties on players at home who celebrate their video game touchdowns too vigorously.  We originally thought that it was a great idea to add to our game's online experience, but the NFL wanted us to also include it in all game modes."

These moves would obviously be a huge effort to add the realism to game.  Sucking as much fun out of the video game brand, would certainly add to the feeling of being at a real game.

But taking the fun away isn't the only goal, the game developer went on to say, "We have also kicked around the idea of fining repeat offenders, and suspending accounts for certain offenses.  This should let the player feel just like his favorite pro."

Whether this will come to light this year has yet to be officially annouced. Stay tuned for more on this story.

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AL East: The Standings are Unacceptable

Is there anything greater in the entire sports world than when the two most entitled franchises in all of American sports face off with one another?  I mean Yankees and Red Sox.  And as a huge fan of whatever team has the edge over the other in this rivalry I feel cheated.  The ALCS every single year should contain these two teams, and replace the World Series.  This year is looking bleak.

Thankfully the brass at the MLB have finally taken note to what all of us in the National Media have desired for the past two decades.  The league would like to create a special division that contains only the Red Sox and the Yankees.  While the idea is only in its infancy, a few details have been leaked to us.

This new division will always send its winner to the postseason, but the wild card spot will now only come from whoever finishes second in this division.  This way we are ensured that both the Red Sox and Yankees will always be in the postseason tournament.  Also with the unbalanced schedule, this new division will ensure that the majority of the season will contain those treasured Yankees vs Red Sox battles we covet so much.

We will keep our ear out for more on this development.  

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Hockey: Playoffs Roundup

The Trashinal Sports Media is shocked to learn that the NHL playoffs are already at their conference final round.  How did this happen?  I don't even recall the season.

The Trashinal Sports Media hockey writer, Guy Roy has been sending us scores all season long.  However he scribbled them on bar napkins and snail mailed them to us weeks late.  However his latest writing actually contained some words.

Guy Roy writes, "As the media we have only given NHL fans two star players, Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin.  Neither player remains in the playoffs, so they are essentially over for us."

Hard hitting stuff as usual.  Stay tuned to Trashinal Sports for the latest in the NHL playoffs.  We may get around to telling you who wins the whole thing.

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Blake Bortles: I Almost Forgot About Him

A man named Blake Bortles claimed to be the first quarterback selected in this month's NFL Draft.  I didn't recall that to be true, but verified it and his claims are true.  He was selected #3 overall to the Jacksonville Jaguars.  Strangely enough I guess I just assumed that Johnny Manziel was the only quarterback available in the draft.

So I guess that's why Mr. Bortles also wanted to make it abundantly clear that while Johnny Manziel was living it up in Las Vegas, he himself was having a wild time.  Bortles was overheard bragging about a cousin's graduation party that got out of control this weekend.  Although he was long gone by the time the cops were called, he was there when most of the family was there.  Sounds like a fun weekend Blake.

Sorry we missed it Blake, maybe someday you will be as interesting as Johnny Football.  Until then have fun in Jacksonville, we probably won't write.

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Rory McIlroy: Back on Track

Trashinal Sports golf columnist Duff Fader says, "They got Tiger, and the damn near got Rory too, but we got him back."  Of course he is referring to women kind.  Obviously after destroying Tiger Woods, us here in the national media have been leary of golfers and their girlfriends/wives.

Rory McIlroy was toeing a similar line, which peaked when fiance Caroline Woziacky showed up at the Masters after failing the audition for the upcoming "Jem and the Holograms" live action movie.  Augusta is barely tolerant of normal women, but attention drawing ones is barely acceptable.

Rory apparently had enough, and sure enough after kicking her to the curb last week, turned around and won the PGA championship.

Coincidence?  Apparently the PGA isn't so sure.  Rumblings in the inner workings of the organization says that the PGA is working on changing the bylaws to state that if you are in the top 10 rankings of the PGA that your marriage would be automatically annulled.

Unfair? Duff Fader says no, "You have to realize that most of these young men were too big of golf nerds as kids to ever be popular among the ladies.  Rory may have never had a girlfriend until he began earning tour checks.  Tiger was the same story, and suddenly money was no object and women would give it to him for free.  And hell, he'd still go and pay for it."

We will keep our ear close to this developing story.

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Jameis Winston: The Kid Has Legs

While Jameis Winston picked good timing for his crab leg fiasco, due to the draft hype drawing our attention away from him.  But Jameis knows his time is a year away, and this stuff is going to haunt him when it is his time.

After seeing the Baltimore Ravens' shockingly blatant victim blaming that occured last week, reports have swirled that Jameis is looking for Ray Rice's wife Janay's help to perhaps absorb the blame for his shoplifting adventure.  One of Jameis' fans was quoted by saying, "Maybe Janay should regret her role in a lot of things."

It has also been said that Jameis would also like the NCAA and the manager of the supermarket he stole the crab legs from, to come forward and publicly regret their roles in the incident as well.

Johnny Manziel: Party Boy

Just days into the career of Johnny Manziel, he made waves by bypassing every opportunity to prove to the Cleveland Browns he was serious about playing pro football, to go party in Las Vegas, and take in UFC 173.  This is obviously shocking to us in the national media, due to the fact that all through his college career he was criticized for partying, and not paying attention to his studies.

But much to the dismay of the hordes of Johnny Football fans his career may be permanently derailed by his actions (or inactions) during this latest stunt.  After urinating in his bathroom, Manziel failed to lower the seat on the toilet in his hotel room, causing a young female caller to fall into the bowl.  This was amplified by the fact the toilet was an "elongated bowl" style toilet, causing the young lady's entire backside to be covered in toilet water.

The young lady's father was then quoted to say, "I believe that this whole incident was an unfortunate combination of alcohol, and having a stupid whore for a daughter." He continued by saying that, "Her future is shot, but I will still be a big fan of Johnny's and hopes that this incident doesn't derail his own promising future."